Setting Down the Burden: What 100 Rejections Taught Me About Saying "No"
- Rose Ung
- Mar 7
- 3 min read
There is a famous Zen parable about two monks—an older mentor and a younger student—who were traveling back to their monastery.
It had been raining heavily, and the roads were thick with mud. As they reached a bend in the river, they saw a young woman standing at the edge, unable to cross the swirling water without ruining her silk robes. Without a word, the older monk walked over, picked her up onto his shoulders, carried her across, and set her down gently on the dry bank.
They continued their journey in silence. For hours, the younger monk fumed. Their vows strictly forbade them from even touching a woman, let alone carrying one. How could his mentor break such a sacred rule?
Finally, the younger monk couldn't contain himself. He burst out, "Brother! How could you do that? It was a violation of everything we stand for!"
The older monk looked at him calmly and smiled. "Brother," he said, "I set that woman down by the river hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?"
In Episode 23 of the Quiet Leadership Lab, we are asking a vital question: What are you still carrying in your heart that you should have set down miles ago?
The Introvert’s Burden
As quiet leaders, we are observant and empathetic. We tend to see all the needs in the room. But because of this, we often end up like the younger monk—carrying everyone else's expectations, judgments, and unwritten rules on our shoulders. We become "non-essentialists" by default, overwhelmed by the noise in our own heads.
For a long time, the heavy burden I was carrying was the fear of rejection.
I liked to stay in my comfort zone. I would overwork, overcommit, and grind through long hours because I was too busy worrying about what people would think if I said "no" or stepped out of my routine. I was letting the fear of disapproval make my choices for me.
To set that burden down, I had to try something radical: I decided to face 100 rejections on purpose.
The Power of Hunting for "No"
It sounds wild, but it was my way of reclaiming my power of choice.
When you avoid rejection, the fear of it grows. But when you actively seek out 100 rejections, it just becomes data. You realize that a "no" is rarely about you. People say no because they have their own priorities, and what you are asking for simply doesn't align with their needs.
For example, in almost every country I visit, I walk into an Hermès store and ask if they have a Birkin bag for me to buy. I continually get a polite "no." Why? Because selling a highly exclusive bag to a walk-in customer doesn't align with their business model. It's not personal.
Once you stop fearing the "no," you realize how incredibly liberating it is to use that word yourself.
The 3 Steps to Essentialism
Greg McKeown’s Essentialism teaches us that productivity isn't about getting more done; it’s about getting the right things done. It requires a fundamental mindset shift, recognizing that we have the privilege and the right to choose.
To put this into practice, you need three steps:
1. Explore (The 30-Second Pause)
Before committing to anything, force yourself to pause. When someone asks you to take on a new project or attend a meeting, do not answer immediately. Implement a 30-second pause to explore your options. This short buffer filters out the "noise" and breaks the knee-jerk reaction to people-please.
2. Eliminate (The Emotional Discipline)
If a request does not align with your purpose, eliminate it. When I watched people give me my 100 rejections, I noticed that they often felt terribly guilty saying "no." But "no" is just a word. Saying no to someone else's non-essential request means you are saying yes to your right to choose. It requires emotional discipline, but it gets easier every time you do it.
3. Execute (Removing Obstacles)
Once you have chosen the vital few things, you create systems to make executing them effortless. You stop being pulled in multiple directions and start walking a single, clear path.
The Quiet Challenge
We live in a society where we have the incredible privilege of choice, yet we so often surrender it to the fear of what others might think.
This week, I challenge you to look at the mental burdens you are currently carrying. Are you holding onto them because they are essential to your calling? Or are you the younger monk, still carrying the weight of an event, an expectation, or a fear that you should have set down hours ago?
Stop carrying the noise. Choose the essential.
Rose Ung is a project director and business consultant helping introverts master leadership, wealth, and family—quietly and on their own terms. Catch the full discussion on the Quiet Leadership Lab podcast.
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